Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
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What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂