I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
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I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.