Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
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I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
the three branches of government
No one :
Me when I swimming :
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.