Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
You Might Also Like
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Super Hand Dog Face
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.