I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
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If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.