A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time