opening twitter today
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I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Taliband
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore