Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
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By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Did my cat write this
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.