I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!