Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
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We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Just say no
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton