Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Wait for it
Children of the corn 🌽
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
No selfies while hijacking a train.