ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
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Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.