My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
is it earth
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along