No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
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Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”