[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
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Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
I know
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building