a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
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The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
This trial is so absurd 😭
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Room with a view.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
That’s no pocket rocket.