Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
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My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER