If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
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There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”