[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
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My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I came this close!!!!
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”