I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
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When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Yes, this is exactly right
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Hard not to take this personally
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die