[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
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Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty