went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
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Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Lmaoo 😂
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Barbie gone wild