I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
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“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm