how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
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Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Netflix: We have Less
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation