Vodka burrito was a success
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love it when they get my name right
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray