What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
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Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
when mom throws a party…
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot