gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
You Might Also Like
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
The human personality is made of five key elements
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.