son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
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If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
What about a To-Don’t List?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.