The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
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*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face