saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
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Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Pikachu found the lost joint
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My god she’s good.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”