ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
You Might Also Like
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Cake!!
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
😂😂😂
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.