her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
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I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
asking santa clause for nudes
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.