What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
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Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Seems kinda suspicious
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.