I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
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A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.