“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
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MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
what it’s like dating me:
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.