ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
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Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like