Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
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Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine