me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
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Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Muppet Screams
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
that de-escalated quickly
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay