“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
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they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking