No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
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[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything