Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
mumsnet is amazing