EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
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Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.