U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
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cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
when there are deer in the woods
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
😩😩😩