[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.