Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
Knock Knock
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind