Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
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GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts