Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
was Jim off killing horses or…
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.