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Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Fiction has to make sense.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me