Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
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I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Don’t make me out nice you.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.