My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
You Might Also Like
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
The booster protects against what, now?
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family